Monday Afternoon

My latest installment in my forthcoming book, How to Make the Most of Unemployment: or Failing That, At Least Get By, focuses on Monday afternoons and what to do about them.

For instance, when a monday afternoon falls on, or near the first of the month, take a few minutes to slip into your neighborhood bank branch (mine is a Fleet) and cash some childhood savings bonds. Not only will this activity inject you with some much needed cash, to say, pay your landlord, but more importantly it will entertain you to witness the hoops the Teller must jump through just to cash the damn things. The process is arduous. The minor annoyance of having to sign your name and address to each one is easily offset by the amusingly endless keystrokes, stamping, and shuffling required on the part of the Teller. (Note to editor, cut those adverbs out of that sentence)

So, after enjoying the show, for the better part of thirty minutes, you’re handed a little slip of paper “for tax purposes”. This is bonus entertainment, for you know damn well that not possessing an income negates the requirement that you file a 1099. Ha!

Now that you’ve left the bank, and you’re probably dreading the walk back home, where you spend 22+ hours a day, I’d suggest you stop into the liquor store for a 12-pack of Whatever Is On Sale, and a bag of cheap rolling tobacco. Nothing livens up a Monday afternoon like a few beers and a hand-rolled fun stick. You may even ash your cig in the garbage can, because hell, you’ll be there to take care of it, should the thing ignite.

Presto! It’s already 3:30. You’re almost home free. Now, just rinse, repeat, and you’ll be ready for when the wife/husband/employed roommate gets home.

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