Monday Afternoon

My latest install­ment in my forth­com­ing book, How to Make the Most of Unem­ploy­ment: or Fail­ing That, At Least Get By, focuses on Monday after­noons and what to do about them.

For instance, when a monday after­noon falls on, or near the first of the month, take a few min­utes to slip into your neigh­bor­hood bank branch (mine is a Fleet) and cash some child­hood sav­ings bonds. Not only will this activ­ity inject you with some much needed cash, to say, pay your land­lord, but more impor­tantly it will enter­tain you to wit­ness the hoops the Teller must jump through just to cash the damn things. The process is ardu­ous. The minor annoy­ance of having to sign your name and address to each one is easily offset by the amus­ingly end­less key­strokes, stamp­ing, and shuf­fling required on the part of the Teller. (Note to editor, cut those adverbs out of that sentence)

So, after enjoy­ing the show, for the better part of thirty min­utes, you’re handed a little slip of paper “for tax purposes”. This is bonus enter­tain­ment, for you know damn well that not pos­sess­ing an income negates the require­ment that you file a 1099. Ha!

Now that you’ve left the bank, and you’re prob­a­bly dread­ing the walk back home, where you spend 22+ hours a day, I’d sug­gest you stop into the liquor store for a 12-pack of What­ever Is On Sale, and a bag of cheap rolling tobacco. Noth­ing livens up a Monday after­noon like a few beers and a hand-​rolled fun stick. You may even ash your cig in the garbage can, because hell, you’ll be there to take care of it, should the thing ignite.

Presto! It’s already 3:30. You’re almost home free. Now, just rinse, repeat, and you’ll be ready for when the wife/husband/employed room­mate gets home.